Nebraska Synod ELCA

by Kevin Tranmer, Certified Nebraska Coach and member of the Candidacy Committee

I was sitting in a small diner that was busy in a small-town way, enjoying a good omelet and toast. The table next to us, pretty close to accommodate as many seats as possible, had some older gentlemen drinking coffee and eating some cinnamon rolls. They were obviously regulars and knew each other well. They bantered back and forth; jokes told a few times but getting a laugh anyway and the regular talk of weather, crops, and politics. I wasn’t eavesdropping, they weren’t trying to muffle their conversation.

As I listened, I wondered if this conversation could be had with a random group of people or even a group of friends. While they enjoyed the challenge of differing viewpoints and kept the talk genial, I thought about how conversations today devolve into such anger and how we see news companies reporting violence and evil. There have always been differences of opinion, but it feels so much more intense today. Maybe we see that rise in anger within ourselves sometimes.

When we take a bedrock stance on something in our work, personal, or family life we risk missing some good points of conversation at least. At most, we risk the relationships of family and friends that may never recover. Those bedrock beliefs are usually founded on some unconscious bias we have. Unconscious bias is not conscious bias which has taken on some negative connotations today, and not all our biases are bad or wrong. We have developed our unconscious biases as ways to protect ourselves, as shortcuts for our brains to make faster decisions. Those brain connections develop from a lifetime of cataloging our personal experiences and did they do us well or did they harm us somehow?

Our unconscious bias can sneak up on us. Most of the time we don’t recognize we are making decisions, driving our conversations from a bias and that is where we miss opportunities to move forward, to make decisions that are accommodating for all, and to deal from a “win–win” attitude rather than an “I win – you lose” attitude. When there has to be a loser it stands to reason there are going to be hurt feelings, and resentment, and fear … and we hide these reactions behind anger. Anger seems to be ok with society now. Does a social opinion cause you doubt or concern? Do political opinions cause misunderstandings or even fear? These are hard for many of us to discuss or even admit to having. When things get hard it is easy for a bias to devolve into anger. Anger is ok. Anger is one of the first things we learn as children. Is a baby hungry? Do they need a diaper change? Are they long overdue for a nap? All basic needs and a baby learns early to voice their displeasure, their needs, in anger.

Where did the art of conversation and debate fade from our society? Can two people, two political parties, two religions sit together and talk about what is important to them? If we could recognize our bias and let each other talk and really listen I think we would be so much better friends, neighbors, and even better enemies. We can’t always agree with another person’s ideas, and we shouldn’t. Your ethics, your fidelity, and your integrity are important. We can still listen because it is important to another person. Maybe, if each person set their mind to take time to listen to the other without anger first, we could solve a few problems together. Maybe if we understood our unconscious bias first, we could guide ourselves to be better listeners, better conversationalists, and better people. Do you think leaving a meeting, a family gathering, or a table in a little diner in a small town in Nebraska with everyone knowing how you feel and what you think and that it is ok if they disagree, is still a good conversation and a good time? Most of us would agree, I think.

Making personal change is hard to do. Google says 30 to 60 days of concentrated effort to change a habit. Good conversation is an art. Like anything we do well it takes some practice and effort to accomplish. Listening is a big part of conversation. A wise person once said, “you have two ears and one mouth – probably means you should listen twice as much as you talk!” Anger only hides misunderstanding. Anger tries to cover up our fears. Anger is not a bridge to understanding. It is the start of a new year, and it can be a start for all of us to challenge ourselves to recognize our biases and relate to each other, not from the anger that tries to disguise misunderstanding and fear but from a point of interest in another person. Let us focus on the love and grace shared by our savior as we share that love and grace with everyone we meet.