Nebraska Synod ELCA

by Gordon Wolfe, First Lutheran Church, Lincoln

I spent much of my life living in fear, much of it was overstated but some of it was not.  My life’s journey has been marked by ups and downs, like most people.  I have traveled through some dark valleys and deep ravines, oftentimes with hope hanging by a thin thread.  Today, however, I see a brighter future, one filled with hope and joy thanks to a collection of people the Lord has placed in my life.

I grew up on a farm in South Central Nebraska.  By all accounts I was a typical boy.  I played little league baseball, fought with my older brothers, dreamed of becoming a pilot, and always thought that I would someday marry and raise a family.  I lost all hope of being married the summer before my freshman year in high school.  That’s when I became aware of my emotional and physical attraction to other young men my age and older.

From that point forward, I was torn between my church’s teachings about homosexuality and my sexual orientation.  I tried dating girls during my high school years and beyond, hoping my same-gender attraction would eventually fade away.  On the contrary, it only grew stronger.  I had heard most of the gay jokes, all of which could not be repeated in mixed company.  I knew that if I wanted to have a “somewhat” normal life, I would need to keep my feelings to myself.  And that’s when my fears began to grow, believing that someone would eventually find out about my secret.

I pleaded and bargained with God to change my sexual orientation.  No matter how much I pleaded and bargained, the change I had hoped for never came.  There were nights I fell asleep with tears in my eyes wondering what would become of my life.  Since prayer wasn’t working, my next step was to seek help from a clinical psychologist.  Those therapy sessions began while I was in college.  Still no change.  Post college, I saw another psychologist who urged me to accept my sexual orientation and move on with my life.  Within a year, the AIDS epidemic had surfaced and was the topic in every news outlet in America and abroad.  I refer to it as the triple-cursed epidemic … young gay men facing scorn, abandonment, and dying a slow agonizing death.  This fear was very real.  Thus, began my life as a single person.

I continued to attend church knowing that my same-gender attraction was at odds with mainline Christian beliefs and teachings.  As time passed, I came to believe that I was unacceptable in God’s sight, with no hope of redemption.  I never contemplated suicide, but there were times when I questioned whether life was worth living.  I stopped attending church and focused on my career.  If my supervisor asked me to be in Little Rock, Arkansas, first thing Monday morning, I would fly there on Sunday.  No complaints and no questions asked.

I believe we possess an inner voice that guides, warns, and protects us as we journey through life.  After being away from church for several years, my inner voice urged me to return, but not to my former church.  I searched the internet for gay-friendly churches in the Sacramento, California area, where I had been living for over 25 years.  That’s when I came across St. John’s Lutheran Church located in Mid-town.  When one of the pastors asked what brought me to St. John’s, I told him the church was recognized as a gay-friendly congregation.  Then I said if that’s not true, please tell me now and I will leave.  He said, “Yes, it is true.  We welcome all who enter through our doors.”  Within a few weeks of worshiping at St. John’s, I knew I had found a home where it was okay to be gay.  I was set free from the guilt that had plagued me for years.  And I no longer had to pretend to be someone other than my true self.

As I grew in faith and understanding, I felt a strong desire to share God’s love with the LGBTQ+ community, knowing very well that many within the community had also experienced a lost connection with God.  With the support and financial backing of St. John’s, we rented a booth at the Sacramento Pride Festival and marched in the Pride parade.  Our goal was simple, we wanted everyone to know that they are loved by God and that St. John’s Lutheran Church is a sanctuary that offers hope for the weary.

In retrospect, I wondered why God hadn’t answered my prayers.  In part, the answer came to me one day while reading Paul’s second letter to the church in Corinth (2 Corinthians 12:7-10).  He complained about a thorn in his flesh.  After asking God three times to remove the thorn, he received God’s answer, “My grace is sufficient for you …”  Paul understood that thorns are a part of life and can be useful in our Christian witness to others.  I now understand that I don’t need to alter my sexual orientation to be a witness for Christ.

So, my journey doesn’t end here.  As long as my heart continues to beat, I will continue to share God’s love with everyone I come in contact with.

Thank you and blessings to all who have read my story.